Between Feeling and Reacting

Sometimes, we react before we realise what we're feeling.

We might react more strongly than we expected, express our frustration towards others, or find ourselves withdrawing from a conversation. At other times, we might work harder and try to keep everything under control, or notice a general sense of stress or unease without quite knowing what's behind it.

Learning to notice our feelings can begin with something simple: pausing to listen to what's happening within us.

Pausing to notice

Becoming curious about our emotional experiences can be a first step towards responding differently.

We might pause and ask ourselves: What sensations do I notice in my body? What am I feeling right now? What thoughts are running through my mind?

Pausing to notice what we feel isn't always easy. Emotions can be intense, uncomfortable and quick to arise, making it difficult to stop and reflect when we're caught up in them. Learning to pause and turn our attention inwards takes practice.

Finding words for an emotion doesn't make it disappear, but it can help us slow down and make sense. What might initially feel overwhelming or difficult to grasp can become a little clearer when we find a name for it. Psychologists Daniel J. Siegel and Tina P. Bryson describe this as “name it to tame it”: putting feelings into words can help reduce their intensity (Siegel & Bryson, 2011; Lieberman et al., 2007).

Understanding ourselves in relationship

Our relationships shape how we learn to recognise and express our emotions. Perhaps sadness was dismissed when we were growing up, anger was met with anger, or we learned that disowning certain needs and feelings helped us maintain connection with others (Cooke et al., 2019).

These experiences can influence how we relate to our feelings as adults. We may find certain emotions difficult to acknowledge, until they become impossible to ignore.

Our reactions in the present may carry echoes of the past. A moment of distance from someone we care about might evoke a familiar sense of rejection. A disagreement might feel more threatening than the present situation suggests.

Becoming curious about these patterns can help us understand ourselves with greater compassion. It's important, though, to notice how we speak to ourselves when we do this. Questions like "Why do I always react like this?" can quickly turn into self-criticism, leaving us feeling ashamed rather than helping us understand ourselves.

Instead, we might gently ask: "What happens for me in these moments? What might I be feeling, and why might this be difficult for me?" The aim is understanding, not judging.

Learning to respond differently

The next time you notice yourself reacting strongly, see if you can pause for a moment, if it feels possible. Notice what is happening in your body and whether you can find words for what you're feeling. Even noticing that something has affected you can be a beginning. When you have time to reflect, you might ask yourself what felt difficult about the situation, or what you wish the other person could understand.

Emotional experiences can remain messy and intense, and regulating our emotions isn't something we ever need to master perfectly. But learning to listen to ourselves can create more space between feeling and reacting, helping us respond to ourselves and others with greater compassion.

References

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.

Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

Cooke, J. E., Kochendorfer, L. B., Stuart-Parrigon, K. A., Koehn, A. J., & Kerns, K. A. (2019). Parent–child attachment and children's experience and regulation of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Emotion, 19(6), 1103–1126. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000504